To days of inspiration,
Playing hookey, making something
Out of nothing, the need
To express-
To communicate,
To going against the grain,
Going insane,
Going madTo loving tension, no pension
To more than one dimension,
To starving for attention,
Hating convention, hating pretension,
Not to mention of course,
Hating dear old mom and dadTo riding your bike
Midday past the three piece suits-
To fruits- To no absolutes-
To Absolut- To choice-
To the Village Voice-
To any passing fadTo being an us- For once-
Instead of a them-
I remember when the musical RENT came out. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I listened to that soundtrack every day for months on end. I wouldn’t be surprised if I listened to those songs for about a year. My life was so different then: I was married. I had a “regular” job in high tech. I owned a car. I was a homeowner with three-bedroom house (including a newly remodeled living room and kitchen) and a rose garden that I was devoted to. I subscribed to Martha Stewart magazine.
But there was something about the songs, the lives of the characters, that captivated me. I wanted their lives, even with their incredible tumult and drama. Sometimes I would get wistful or teary eyed, singing along.
La Vie Boheme was a song that made me yearn. When the song played, it made me realize how much life I felt I was missing. I didn’t have friends that weren’t white like me or straight like me. I didn’t live on beans and rice or scrimp for things I needed. But I was jealous of the people in the song. They sounded alive.
Right now times are so different. My circle of friends and acquaintances today is of every make and model. Poets. Drug addicts. Writers, painters, dancers, film makers, activists, politicians, teachers, gay boys, gay girls, atheists, Buddhists, magicians, yoginis. Most of them are like me, surviving day to day with all the good and bad that brings. I am living a lot closer to the edge, as close to La Vie Boheme as I’ve ever gotten. Yes, financially, as that’s a huge factor. Not having a regular, adequate income makes you grind the gears of your mind. Sometimes the gears grind to a halt and you wonder how you’ll survive. I know people with college degrees and lots of brains who are on food stamps. Some of them want jobs, some do not.
I wake up in the morning and some days I feel tired before the day even begins. I admit it. It’s not that I don’t know what I want to do because I love what I do. When I’m in the groove, whether it’s photography or writing or dancing, I completely lose myself and it’s wonderful to be so immersed in creating and just being. But there’s a pressure to survive that is much more overwhelming than one I was so used to. I can see how people slip through the cracks in our society. I don’t intend to be one, but I can understand how it happens.
I’d never had to count the change in my wallet but now I do. I used to feel torn about it, confused, saddened, because up until recently I never gave a second thought about buying a mascara or a pair of shoes. But now I think about every penny. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Making use of all of the food in my cupboards and refrigerator; I remember all of the food I threw away as soon as it started to look a little wilty. Now that food becomes soup. Good soup. I wonder how many of us are becoming more vegetarians simply because we can’t afford to buy meat as often.
Again, I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
I jump ahead in my mind to the end of my days here on this amazing planet and wonder if I will think then if I made the right choices today.
Today I say yes.
17 Comments
Love the photo, Julie, and love the post — what you’re writing about is something I think about often…and why I haven’t yet made the leap to give up my day job.
Beautifully written post! I have to say that I am surrounded by friends of all race, color and economic stability. Most not so stable as me anymore. And I feel bad that I don’t have to scrimp when they do and I completely wish I could help them find the job they’d love. I scrimp anyways because my parents taught me too. But everyday, I wish for a bit of la vie boheme so I can create all day and live a life beyond my cubicle space.
Beautiful photo…as always.
Your writing is always so beautiful Julie (and I’m not just saying this because I know you!). It’s hard when society continues to pressure those of us with “irregular” jobs to conform…to have that day job, to sit at an office and toil away.
I think as long as people are happy with what they’re doing, things are fine..it’s only when they feel forced to conform is when it’s not good for them (does that make sense?).
welcome to La Vie Boheme. Its lovely to have you here.
<3 <3 <3
Oh, this was good… Oh, this was good…
And no mention of “stalkers”, so I must still be on your good side…
What a deep look into your life… I’ll keep it a secret…
beautiful. It almost sounds like freedom to NOT be attached to all of the things you had before……even if it has taken you close to an edge.
I never thought life would become a struggle until I lost my nursing job of 21 years. Now it’s a problem making ends meet. At 65, I wonder if I’ll be able to pay the rent each month. REgardless, I am blessed in many ways. I finally published my poetry book in May, a life long dream…and, while it won’t make the NY Time Bestseller List or even Oprah’s Book Club, I feel such a sense of accomplishment about that and seeing it on Amazon!
Really good soup. =)
I always wonder about The Boy when I read this kind of post from you.
Well, I can relate very well to everything you say here. You are not alone in these kinds of thoughts.
By the way, I don’t know if it’s intended, and maybe I’m a pig, but I think that’s a very sexy photograph that inspires inappropriate thoughts.
wow..I liked that.. really..
fabulous to the core.
When I visited the Asian Art Museum today, I dropped a few coins as an offering to Ganesha, the Elephant God of luck. I have been where you are, trying to make a living from doing what I love and I know from experience that it’s darned hard. Here’s hoping that Ganesha will open the right doors for you and bring luck upon your journey.
Catching up.
Love you, lady.
Oh yeah. Me too. Someone told the ever-wonderful this weekend she envied me, she of money & security, me of none. WE are living the good life. Today I, too, think so.
smooches
To share yourself like this, is brave and heartfelt. How unpredictable, life. Busting loose, being free.